Do I have trouble with saying “No” to others?
Do I usually expand my personal boundaries so I can please others?
Do I feel as I am responsible for other’s reactions and feelings? And also, do I feel as I am the one who must solve their problems?
Do I feel afraid of saying what I really think or feel because someone might be offended or get angry at me?
Do I want to have absolute control over others emotions and actions?
Maybe, if your answers to the questions above were “yes”, “absolutely” or “so me”, maybe you will relate to my condependency experiences. Also, you may be already aware of it and you’re looking for someone to talk about it, someone that can understand you & trust me, you would be enormously surprised of the amount of people who feel that way too, once again: you are not alone!
If you follow me on my instagram account -in which I’m trying to post more haha- you might have realized or noticed every morning I post an “inspirational quote” on my stories about self love. Why I have been doing it?
Well, since I was a little girl until a couple of years ago my life choices were poor. At least on my relationships with others. I used to give myself to others too much too often. And most of the times I didn´t receive a “good” response.
Actually my lack of boundaries about what I liked/disliked, and my difficulties to reject doing a favor for someone- and other situations similar that you might imagine- attracked the wrong people who –mostly– took advantage from it. Those relationships ALL had a bad ending that, if I knew what I know today, could have been prevented.
The thing is: I can’t blame them but neither I can blame myself (it wouldn’t be healthy). But I do can change it.
I can’t say I am “fully recovered” from being a codependent person, but I definitely have made lot of improvements, I’m not who I used to be & I won’t lie, the path it’s harsh sometimes but it’s worth it.
First of all I had to learn to love myself, and to cheerish every little effort I did, even the smallest. I learned – and I still am- to be caring of myself. Us humans, but mostly women, tend to be hard to ourselves, we judge our actions, our physiques and we are constantly pushing ourselves to be more like others. That’s not the proper way.
“Learn to admire someone else’s beauty without questioning your own”
Right now, I still had to stop in the middle of a thought to tell myself “Don’t be so hard to yourself, Valeria! You are doing the best you can & you are actually doing it great”.
Or -and this happens more or less often- I am anxious because I feel that a friend of mine it’s mad at me because maybe I had a response he/she didn’t expect or I said “no” to them, and my codependency activates. I have to take a moment and tell myself the 3 C’s of Al-anon:
I didn’t cause it. I can’t control it & I can’t change it.
Most of times I’m panicking in my head without having a real reason, but with time the 3 C’s make sense and I can calm and be aware that life does not ends with he/she been mad at me. I can control the way I speak, what I say, the decisions I want to make but I can’t control the way others react to it.
If you feel/had experienced codependency and want to join our journey to break free from it or simply talk to someone feel free to email me and follow this blog! There are more blog posts about it coming ahead. You are not alone, you don’t have to go through it alone.